application essay second draft

College: University of Massachusetts Dartmouth
Question: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an
experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.


Growing up, i always wondered what job I would pursue for the rest of my life. when I was young i wanted to be a bus monitor. However, that quickly changed. I realized that is just a job and not a career as I began to grow up. I am a first generation American student to go to college in my family. My parents were both born adn raised in Portugal adn moved here when they were oyunger. Back when they were younger, education didn't mean much especailly in Portugal. My fmaily soon realized how important school was to succeed in life. Education is very important to my family. I have one older brother nad two older sisters and neither of them attended college. Being the youngest child in the family in the first to attend college was a great accomplishment for me. Along with my family, I was very proud of what was to come. After discussing my career goals with a close neighbor whose mother worked in the medical field, I realized that was where i wanted to be. I decided I wanted to get into the field of Radiology. In the future, i have a lot of goals I wish to successfully achieve. I hope to obtain a master's degree in Radiology and work as a full time radiologist in a near by hospital.

As a prepared researching many schools in the area for Radiology, i became very discouraged. The feild of Radiology was limited to just a select few schools. I decided not to give up and get my prerequisites out of the way until I found a school I would like to attend. After completeing many applications for schools and scholarships, I began to take classes at BCC. I received a scholarship from the American Portuguese Police Academy. At the banquet, i started a conversation with an older gentlemen whos daughter also took up Radiology a few years ago. I began to question what school she attended and how she got her degree. I soon found out about a program Rhode Island Hospital offers for students who wish to fulfill a career in the field of radiology. This program required you to pass a few courses in college before accepted into the program. I decided that was my chance to do what I really wanted.

As a first year student at a community college, i am preparing to broaden my horizon and move on to a larger school. As I researched many schools throughout Massachusetts, i soon realized the University of Massachusetts would be a great decision. I truly believe this school will help me become one step closer to achieving my goal. I would be involved in various activities around campus and all else aside I would be very studious. I have heard many positive remarks about UMASS and all the school has to offer. I would love to experience these for myself first hand.
I know that opportunity comes once in a lifetime. Though my character may be good on paper, I still need to continue with my learning processes. With such a unique Portuguese heritage and background, i think I can bring alot of diversity into the college. Especially with the location of the college being in Dartmouth, and the a great amount of the population being of Portuguese decent, I would love to bring the Portuguese culture to the university. With this chance, I will not think twice to enroll to one of the best universities around. What I have been dreaming before is now within my sight. The University of Massachusetts will serve as a pathway that will help me build a career in the field of Radiology


POST WRITING:

1. How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.

I feel my paper needs alot of work. I don't feel very good about it and I don't like how it is written at all. I need to be more specific and focus more clearly on the question asked. I spoke more about what i wanted to do and not what i can offer the college as far as diversity.

2.What shape do you think it's in? Please explain and offer evidence?

My paper is not in very good shape. I see a slight improvement between my first and second draft hwoever i am still not satisfied. I still don't feel i covered what the question is asking. i think i should try to add more about my culture and diversity.

3. What remains to be done? Please be precise.

I still need to go back into my paper and offer more details on ym heritage and culture. Besides gramatical errors, I need to really focus on answering the question and not talking about other things. I still need to explain my cultrue and diversity. since umas doesnt offer radiology, i still need to explain why i chose umas.

4. What questions do you have for readers about the piece?

• What ways can i add more about my culture to show what diversity i can bring to the university ?
• Have a fully answered the question, or are there some parts i missed or should add more to ?